Sinister Submission

You look at me and you don't see very much
Just a broken man, without a reason
When I look at the world the only thing I see
Is a reflection, upon a reflection, upon a reflection
Constantly trailing towards inevitability

And when I am gone, you will see the same thing
Looking through the mirror chasing the wind
With the bitter taste of lose still in your mouth
And when all things eventually come to an end
Only the memory will remain.

The calm before the storm
Has never been this loud before
The chains of life rattle
Like some caged monkey
In a lab experiment

But that monkey has a fate
A life with a purpose
Whether he knows it or not
Knowledge comes with a price
And that price is his life

His blood will spill
And when it dries
Only ink will remain

Bleeding their sky
You will burn them alive
Innocent women and children
Will be buried tonight

Hunger and Greed
Are open policies
What ever happened
To the love and compassion

We shake our foundations
And we bite our tongues
As we watch the destruction
And the end has begun

Bleeding their sky
You will burn them alive
Innocent women and children
Will be buried tonight.

You want to stick around
But you can not see
That this is not the place
Where I want to be
So just turn around
And that's where you'll see me
Lying on the ground

Bleeding
My heart has always been
Ever since you left me
I can no longer feel
Do you have any
Feelings left to feel?
And I'll forever remain
Just a memory

I have been pondering my life
The people who are here
The ones who have been forgotten
And all the people who I perceive

Although they do not know
They will enter into this stream of conciousness
But I stop my chains of thought
And wonder, should I imprison them in this nightmare?

My life has always been unstable
Always trying, but never able
To put a foot down
Down on solid ground

Why can't you realize
That I despise
Everything about you

Why can't you see
That it's not about
You or me

This is not a game to be played
On the battlefield of reality

It's about overcoming the threat
Of morality

But you've been blinded from the start
Everything we had was just a misshaped heart

My angel was dressed in black that day
But I knew she couldn't stay

Her bus came and she was long gone

Now I sit here all alone
And I can't help but look at the phone

Her time came and she was long gone

But she is the one who put the hate in me
I am just your creation for all to see

You seem so fake to me now
And I can't seem to figure out how
Someone so pure could become a strain
Everything we shared will end in vain

To piece together this puzzle I try
So we won't have to say goodbye
My thoughts and feelings will remain the same
But my mind might not make it through this game

A fixation of you
Will I make it through?

The darkness of my heart has become my only friend
Walking down this road that I know is the end
Looking at the people in my life, I see them all disappear
As I close my eyes I remember everyone I held so dear

They all take a piece of my heart and throw it away
In this darkened corner of my mind I am here to stay
No longer in my life only in my dreams
As my life falls apart at the seems

Crawling though the darkness I stitch together my heart
This is my last chance to restart
I close eyes and turn my back on the people in my life
I reattach this tattered heart and end this day of strife.

I go through life living with this virus
Day by day it slowly divides us

You are the only one that can ease the pain
Con stantly looking for the cure to end the strain

Cut me open and drain me of my blood
I want to die in an endless flood

If I were to die would anyone know that I gone?
But here I remain as you position be like a pawn

Checkmate.

Devouring all that I can see
I no longer want to be
So I lock myself in this cage
Built to withstand all of my rage

I will never be set free

Set on a mind frame of self destruction
I can now start my final construction
Laying in this tomb of self denial
I begin the ancient trial

And now I create my last function

My untold secrets are floating around
My untold dreams must be buried in the ground
My untold secrets can never be found
My untold dreams are put on hold
My untold secrets will never unfold
My untold dreams will turn icy and cold

Consumed in darkness with all my fears
Consumed in truth will all my tears

I fell in love with a Goddess
But she turned out to be a Temptress
Now my life spirals into distress

You told me you loved me
Then you took it all back
Now my heart turns completely black

When will I begin to see the truth?

Every night I lay here
With visions of you dancing in my mind
Trying to disregard my fear
Because I know you are one of a kind

I try to go back to sleep
But in my mind you will forever remain
I can't help but weep
But this is my punishment for causing you pain

It's been a while since I last posted something. For a while I had found something that kept my mind off from things, but that something went away. So once again, I am my oldself. Unfortunately.

Fading Away

I don't know how to be a person.
I just know how to go through life being transparent.
Touching and feeling everything,
But my fingerprints only fade away.

Can I save myself from fading away?

I don't know how to be a person.
I just know how to go through life being ethereal.
Walking through the world on a different plane.
Slowly fading away from existence.

Can you save me from fading away?

Sometimes I think about my life and the things that I have done. I wish that I could start everything over. A new leaf on life. I would correct my wrongs and heal the people that I have hurt. That's why I wish I could time travel. If I had to choose one thing that I could do, I would travel in time. Going through life you never realize the mistakes that you make until it is too late. Like they say, Hindsight is always 20/20. A lot of people think about traveling back in time to correct all the mistakes that they made in their life. There are so many things that I would do over. But, then again, sometimes I think that if I had the chance I wouldn't change anything. My experiences have made me who I am, and I think that I am pretty content with myself (to an extent). But none of this is possible, so the only thing you can do is just make sure the rest of your life is exactly what you want it to be. You learn from your mistakes, and my life has been one big mistake, so I should be pretty damn wise by now. Only time will tell.

Last night in the wee hours of the morning Darren, John, and I were all talking about death and where you go when you die. This is one of those subjects that is so subjective, because no one actually knows where you go when you die. Darren had an interesting idea that when you die people say that life flashes before your eyes. And he said that when that happens you just restart life over making different choices and that is why you get de ja vu. Interesting theory, BUT, what happens to your mind, your "self", it can't just perish. I can't fathom that when you die, you just cease to exist. But that might explain why no one knows where you go when you die. I personally think that reality, this physical realm, is just one of main steps in life and that this is just the beginning of a great journey of self exploration. Then we were taking about the Christian religion and that if that is true, then we are all fucked. This is pretty amusing, becuase I was talking about suicide and that im not man enough to do it because the bad out weighs the good I guess. I wouldn't ever kill myself because I hate life or that I cant go on. I would only do it just to see where you go when you die, curiosity. And like I said, most religions shun suicide and if one of them were to be true then I would be fucked. An eternity of torture and suffering. Sounds like fun.

Don't really know why I wrote this one, but it just came so out, so whatever.


As I make the same mistakes
I watch the past manifest itself in the present.
The spiral never ends.
I take a hold of the dying life
And drown my last breath.

I breath in the moment of failure
And slowly fade away from this repetitive life
My past has been controlling me every step of the way
I make a fist and stand up
The chains of this life will no longer hold me down

It's now or it's never
"Live for something or die for nothing."

One night we were talking about God and that if there was or is a God then he must be dead. So I decided to write something.


God committed suicide because he
Couldn't bear witness to the evils that
He created

- After the Creation of Man -

And on the 1st day God cut his eyes out so
He no longer had to witness the travesties of his
Children

And on the 2nd day God cut his ears off so
He no longer had to hear the cries of his
Children

And on the 3rd day God cut his nose off so
He no longer had to smell the fear of his
Children

And on the 4th day God cut his hands off so
He no longer could create such evil again.

And on the 5th and final day God, using all
That he had left, created the nonexistence of Time
And all perished along with himself.

Up until now, all of the poems that I have posted are fairly old. This next one is a current one that I wrote a few nights ago. When I first wrote this poem, it wasn't in this form until one of my roommates came home and was talking about Shakespeare. So I decided to turn it into a Shakespearian Sonnet.


I slit my wrists and watch the blood
Drip into the shallow sink of encryptions
It begins to swirl around and create mud.
Much like a scrying glass, I see visions.

Life is only understandable when it is seen in reverse.
But then it is already too late.
The visions show my life that has been perverse.
And I can see the severed cords of my fate.

All of my life I have been unattuned.
I had no where else to go.
I stood up off the cold floor and closed the wound.
And now I stand here with nothing to show.

I lay in a puddle of my blood, forever awake.
I only have eternity to forget my life, my mistake.

My heart turns black
Because it lacks
The fuel for the fire
To keep it burning

My heart turns black
Because it lacks
The desire that was
Once lit by the fire

My heart turns black
Because it lacks
The hatred that was
Inspired by the desire

My heart turns black
Because it lacks
Life to fill in the
Void that is now there

You are the beautiful scab that hides away the only
Sun in my life.

I pick at you in hopes to reveal the skin beneath,
But you always manage to return.

One day you finally fell off only to reveal the scar that you
Have left upon me.

I try to scrub you off and move on with this monster
That I call my life,

But I have only created more scars as I tumble towards
The inevitable.

My life has become a scar as people leave their marks upon
Me for all to see.

My body may be scarred, but someday you will see me for
All my beauty.

Pull the trigger and it all adds up
Jump from the roof and it all adds up
Tie the noose and it all adds up
Close my eyes and it all adds up

12 times the number of times I have killed myself
08 times the number of drugs I have consumed
02 times the number of times my heart was torn out
Equals the life that I only want to erase.

I didn’t mean to be that way to you
And I’m sorry that you had to see me that way
But it was just time to let loose and you’re the one I put in the noose

I had to open up the hate that I caged inside
And I’m sorry that you had to see me that way
I just needed to feel the thrill of the kill

I need to let go of the bond that we have built
And I’m sorry you had to see me that way
But it was my time to release the anger and now you are the one in danger

You can run from me
But you can’t get the gun from me
This is the way it has to be
You’re the one who woke the beast in me

I watch myself drown in this River of Flames
That was created by my own desire for failure

I try to swim, but my arms won’t move
All these thoughts pull me deeper into this Nightmare

No one is going to save me now, I am my only hope
But apathy has clenched my heart and slowly pulls it out

I saw what I had to do, but I let it all slip away
The camera zooms out and life focuses on me falling away

I keep falling down
I keep slipping down
Down in to the pit of self reflection

This is my only home
The walls flash all of my mistakes as if to spite me
I here the voices calling out to me
Telling me that I have spoiled this life that was given to me

I keep pondering how
I keep wondering how
How did I get in this pit of self reflection?

But it doesn’t matter now, because there is no way out
The walls begin to show the future
I see myself failing again as the voices start calling out
Telling me that I have spoiled this life that was given to me

Now the floor opens up
And I drop down to physical realm
Now people gather around to see the man that was conquered
Conquered by the pit of self reflection

Everything in my life has been resolved by pain.
But I am thankful, because pain brings enlightenment.
My emotions have been reinforced by the hatred that
I have for the world. And with this new found power
I will show you how strong I am. Hatred is a strong
Emotion and it has transformed my body.

My bones have turned green and when I open my eyes I
See anger. I have awoken a beast and he will not be
Suppressed any longer. He feeds off my hatred and he
Will never stop growing. I have thrown away my halo
And my tears have turned black. Nothing can stop
Me now. This is my religion.

My soul begins to rekindle the hatred that I have locked away from you.
The ocean of your body soothes the pain of anguish that has been created.
The slow process begins to cure the burns of love.
Right before my eyes I watch the flames take you away.

Liquid feelings of regret have taken over me.
Thoughts of your pale face plague my mind.
All I want to see is your face, that beautiful face.
The oceans have remorsefully welcomed me again.

Waves come crashing in and the smell of you clouds my mind.
As I begin to disregard the times we had, I see a glimmer in the blue abyss.
Visions of us making love appear below the serene surface of water.
Our eyes connect for the first time in decades as I begin to dive towards you.

I feel the weight of my love for you dragging me down as I hit the water.
Our hands clench and let go as I slowly fall away from you.

Black then its Red
Flash of Light

Who was that girl?

I’m insane, let’s go crazy
Fire turns Blue

There she is again

Upsidedown
Burn in the Flames

Now she’s gone

Bones turn Green
Memories…

I have raised him to be great
I watch his every move
He doesn’t see me the way I see him
(My old self has been thrown away)
He has turned away from the path I set him on
He seen love for all its glory
Then felt the pain that it carries

All his thoughts have turned black
No longer thinking of himself
He has become what I didn’t want him to be
(I have become him)
As he looks into the shallow mirror
He sees what I once saw
The look of innocence torn away from the child

As I look into the mirror I see him now
I have taken his self-destruction and made it my own
It has left a scar on my chest
(I will bear this scar forever)

Constantly running
From the source of all my torture
I have come to the end of the road
With no more choices left to me
The path glows in the dark
But, the darkness of my heart consumes the light

And now I fall
Falling, nothing to grasp for
Falling, nothing to breathe for
Falling, nothing to live for
But the life I threw away

As I hit the ground my heart stops
I let go of the life that I chose
And I wash away everything that I never wanted
Now there is nothing but the nonexistence of time
I only have eternity to ponder the mistakes of a
Life of Triviality

I AM the cancer that was in my mother’s womb
(all my torment collapses and creates my tomb)
I AM the worm that wasn’t supposed to be
(locked away from reality, I can’t get free)
I AM the infection that wouldn’t go away
(now my life begins to sway)

I AM NOT the treatment for the pain that I am
(try to see me as god’s rejected lamb)
I AM NOT the man that you want me to be
(my life becomes distorted and I can no longer see)
I AM NOT the cure for the infections I have caused
(i am no longer important so my life becomes paused)

all these feelings rush to my head
and you knew jesus christ was dead.

your religion is one big fraud.
where the fuck is your god?

built on myth and not on facts
you create false prophets who sit back and distract.

you conjured this because you needed a path to follow.
but now you’re in too deep and this shit is hard to swallow.

your religion begins to unmold,
and you are left with nothing to behold.

In this room of darkness and hate
I ponder and contemplate the theories of old
Thoughts and sights no longer tempt me
For I have reached enlightenment
As I close my eyes and sleep
Sleep till dawn turns black
Till dawn turns my soul black

You ask me to control myself, but
I can’t control the monster that’s inside
This monster has no shame
So I let him take of my blame
You look at me like I am an ordinary person
But I am just a monster without a reason

You think I am confusing, but
This monster has no fucking feelings
You are mistaken if you think I care for you
You knew what you had to do
So you put my life on trial for treason
Because I am a monster without a reason

I was once there for you, but
Now I am gone, because this monster had to move on
You told me to kill the monster somehow
But this monster is in control now
My life now enters its coldest season
Because I am a monster without a reason

A Monster Without a Reason

I was never able to go because my
God was killed when I was 10 and 8

Godless, I crawl through this world like
A Helpless Worm in a rainstorm

But alas, along came a fisherman and
Stuck me on his hook and cast me into the ocean.

And now I dangle on this line waiting for that
Fish to come set me free.

With the Gods no longer in power
The world has entered its final hour.

The days no longer have a need
The world no longer has to bleed
The days no longer have to be cold
The world no longer has to grow old

Now I wander the desolate plains of this
Scorched world in search of my lost soul
I have paid the expensive price of progress
My body takes the toll and it is transformed

I feel my heart getting old as the days go by
The leaves turn to ice as the forests slowly die

The days no longer have to bear
The world no longer has a care
The days no longer have to endure
The world no longer has a cure

Now the pendulum slowly stops swinging
Tired and used, my soul diminishes
I have wore this Ankh of Life for far too long
It is time to quit and no longer move on.

Trying out this new blog site....

Going to be posting a lot in the next few days. I need to get my old archive back up, and post all of my old poetry...although it be very bad, it is mine.